i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
