Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
