I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
