i just wanna soil my oats bro
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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