You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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