My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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