If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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