i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
