i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
