I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
