So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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