How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
