we have pet lesbian snakes
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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