After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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