my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
