I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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