You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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