Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
