Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
