ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
