Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This toilet bowl is my home.
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