Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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