3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
