Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
