walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
