I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
