let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
