She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
try to milk me bitch
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
