Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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