nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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