Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
