if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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