the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
