he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
