so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You've changed since you got that strap on
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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