if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
