why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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