If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
