cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
