so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
