Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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