a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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