He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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