You made me cry and you don't even care
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
