i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Alive.
So much puke
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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