Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
