lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
