There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
