on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
