Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
